By Ross Bentley
Lately, I always feel unsatisfied. It follows me like a shadow. Not unhappy or ungrateful, but when life offers slow, quiet moments, I seem to sense that there's a need deep within, a proverbial itch that I can't seem to scratch, and it's there all the time, even when I'm not aware. I can feel it gnawing on my soul.
As I scurry through my day, I don't always notice. I'm so often captivated by my own importance, enthralled with my business. Things beyond me simply don't matter. I am all. But when I'm alone at the end of the day, 'counting my tips' as it were, when I sit in silence, that's when I hear it.
A faint song originating from way off in the distance, the melody effectively eluding me, audible only to my soul. It barely catches my attention, and I think I recognize it, I feel it, but I cannot seem to hum it or sing it. "I know this song!" my soul screams, aching to join in. But then it's gone; the tune remains just out of earshot. My brain ceaselessly scans its stores for the source of my memory, if it is a memory, but I come up with nothing. I cannot find the words, I cannot hum the tune. Maybe I don't know it, but why does it seem so familiar, so much a part of me? Why this deep connection to something I've never heard? I am tortured as I grow more desperate for this song to soothe my soul.
I try to think back to times when I could've heard, truly heard, this song that calls to me. Perhaps as a child. Did I fall asleep to it in my loneliness? Was it there when I lost my father? Did I hear it at my wedding? 'Maybe,' I say to each, still no closer to solving this riddle plaguing me.
I hear it less often these days. Once at work recently, sitting alone in emptiness, discouraged by the place I've ended up, a faint impression of the song was there. I know I heard it then. Still, I cannot recollect it. Desperation rises like tide, wanting to engulf me.
I must hear it! Now! I press my fingers into my ears, attempting to muffle the din, but to no avail. Still it eludes me. The clamor within now seems louder than any noise without. I'm truly at a loss. Why can't I hear it?
Am I the only one who cannot hear? Are others enjoying this song, humming it to themselves, but not sharing with me? My soul is tortured. A deep sadness draws me toward its
flame. Despair is now my master. 'Why? When? How long? Please!'